Having a sense of empathy which you are willing to share with the world is a wonderful thing...until its not. My intent is to help you understand the power of your gift and help you find your sweet-spot when it comes to offering empathy. Many people call themselves "empaths" who are sensitive to the energies and feelings of others. They may also express compassion and understanding for others' misfortunes, which can definitely embody the energy of healing for the one suffering. However, when the giving of empathy exceeds healthy balance, the exact opposite can result for the one who is giving the empathic offering. I call this, empathic bypassing. Let me explain.
The ways we offer empathy to another depend on many things. First and foremost, a strong sense of self-respect in the empath is key to a healthy offering. Without proper self-respect, you can loose yourself as you extend your empathy. When this happens, the person (you) giving the empathy might go overboard, and when gone too far, the empathy may begin to "excuse" the behavior of the other person. This is my definition of empathic bypassing. The empath generously pours their compassion and empathic nature over the struggling individual without regard for their own personal boundaries and in a manner of speaking, "frees" the receiver from having to take any healthy action to improve their own lives. Often those who are struggling are "hungry" for this type of attention, and may take advantage of the empath. This is where the empath can take the other's circumstances as so dire, they excuse them and give them an energetic "pass" so they never have to be accountable for unkind actions or inappropriate behaviors. An out of balance empath will just keep pouring on more empathy, eventually finding they either begin feeling like a martyr themselves or simply feel empty and disrespected.
Here is an example. Let's say you are a very empathic person in a relationship with someone who has a tendency toward narcissism. This pairing happens more often than you may think. Perhaps they had a difficult or traumatic childhood, etc., but they are using their sad past as a ticket to entitlement, or feeling sorry for their self to the point of excuse, bad behavior or inaction. Their unhealed trauma becomes their "ticket" to choosing not to take any action that looks like self-lead resilience, healing, or responsibility. And when the empath is in a state of empathic bypassing, they not only allow these unhealthy behaviors to be perpetuated, they are actually supporting them. You know you are out of balance as an empath if you generally put others' personal value higher than your own, or if you garner or gauge your own value by your ability to give, give, give. When putting the value of the one struggling ahead of our own, boundaries get muddied. This helps neither individual. The result is an empathic indulgence in response to a bottomless pit that will perpetuate an already unhealthy dynamic. Adding insult to injury, it drains the empath whilst co-opting permission to the other to remain in their own dysfunctional belief system.
So, what to do? First, we need to evaluate four areas to begin a a more thorough discovery. They are: self-respect, self-care, self-esteem and self-discipline. These four states of being can be either healthy or unhealthy. When one state is healthy, it does not always mean all four are healthy. Alternatively, when one is unhealthy it does not mean all four are unhealthy to the same degree. Healthy self-respect gives us inner boundaries that we are aware of in our relational dynamics. Healthy self-care means, we take the time to give ourselves the necessary care to hold a level of health and wellbeing which allows us to thrive in our lives. Self-respect and self-care are are strongly connected. Just as are our last two areas: self-compassion and self-discipline. Healthy self-compassion does not drip into indulgence, moping and self absorption. But when balanced, it supports self-discipline, by cooling the heat of harsh discipline. This ensures good, strong energy along with a bit of softness to funnel into self-discipline in order that we may fulfill our responsibilities with a sense of both verve and joy. All four states work together as a "team."
An empath with low self-respect and a tendency to low self-care might also have low self-esteem. These are warning lights as these individuals give empathy. Empathic indulgences comes much easier in these lower states, as the empath may be using them to increase feelings of personal value. Low self-compassion and low self-discipline only make it worse. These folks will likely find themselves making excuses for the one looking for empathy, giving them the free pass of indulgence, thinking more is going to be better. Yet this hurts the empath. Empathic bypassing is about the empath ignoring their own boundaries and needs while pouring (from their own empty cup) their own portion of healing energy all over the other. They let the "receiver" off the hook without taking appropriate responsibility over their own challenge. Sadly, all that gets accomplished is the perpetuation of an unhealthy, imbalanced relational dynamic.
What I'd hope you remember from this piece is that empathy is a highly powerful force. It is to be used as a nectar. By the drop—not the barrel. And used with intention, skill and care, respect, compassion and discipline for the good of both the giver and the receiver. Empathic bypassing can be so damaging to an empath leaving one feeling their only value in the situation is giving and giving and giving more. And if the empath is actually in a relationship with the challenged person, it is even more diminishing and demoralizing. We need to realize, too much empathy is not healthy or healing to the receiver. It contributes to the belief that they have every right to stay stuck in their ways and, on occasion may even strengthen the power of their old negative stories. Here, the empath becomes the receiver's single source of energetic nourishment. Unfortunately, this is all happening while disrespecting and draining the empath.
If you consider yourself an empath, then value yourself. Value your time and boundaries, your compassion and the immense value of the gift you have to give. Create healthy boundaries that allow you to stay grounded in self-respect, self-care, self-compassion and self-discipline. Be sure your vessel is strong and stable so you can maintain self-loving boundaries when you appropriately "dose" your precious empathy. Discourage excuses and offer kindness, healthy compassion and most of all give encouragement. Remember, it is not your job to carry the responsibility of healing anyone. In fact, the greatest thing someone could ever do for another is to simply inspire them by offering a new perspective that could become a catalyst to taking new actions and responsibility for leading a healthier, happier life. We all have that choice. Let your empathic sweet-spot be an invitation toward another to rally themselves to renew their mind and take one baby step. Sometimes, all we need to start a new path is the voice of healthy encouragement to take it.
Always for YOU,
Karen