Wounding. Coping. Soothing. Each one of these words can encompass a world of possibilities. What we characterize as wounds or trauma can differ from person to person, but usually is thought of as something hurtful done to us by another. Coping, and the ways in which we effort to do so, can include quite a plethora of options. Each of us may resonate with one or more "go-to" ways to positively cope with our difficult states. The manner in which we handle our comforting process when dealing with life's challenges can always be done in a healthy way. Yet, when we don't fully understand how to properly soothe our own trauma or pain, our efforts to "heal" them may go over a healthy line. This is especially so when we indulge ourselves with an unbalanced intention to soothe, adding even more "weight" to the wounding already experienced.
Let's start with a short discussion on wounding or trauma and how it appears in our lives. It can show up and take hold through something as simple as a few unkind words spoken to us by someone we admire or dislike, to something as damaging as a physical or sexual act of violence against us. It is also possible to experience spiritual trauma by learning something unsavory about one's beloved pastor or spiritual teacher, triggering feelings of sadness or confusion. We might feel there is a need for the teacher to be "punished" or we may feel like we want to punish ourselves for ever believing in their proposed purity or integrity. Trauma can take on a great deal of power in our lives. As our stress increases, we may start creating and assigning our own personal meanings, which eventually begin to feel like indisputable truth, yet may not be. So, regardless of the type of trauma or wound we experience, they each can feel incredibly real to us and devastatingly hurtful.
Now, let's talk about what it means to cope. Coping is what we do after the traumatic event occurs. Here, we may want to retreat, isolate, or perhaps shout from the rooftops about how destroyed we feel, or share our vehement feelings of discontent for the one who perpetrated the trauma. As I see it, coping is really what we have decided about our trauma, and how we are "holding it" in our psyche. Do we feel like it is something we can overcome? If so, then we can likely more quickly process it in a shorter "coping cycle" through compassionate acceptance and understanding, meditation or journaling to aid the release of raw emotions and negative beliefs. Here, we may more quickly find our resilience, self-trust and self-confidence, knowing we can indeed heal and move on. However, if we get stuck in our psyches and emotions about the trauma—feeling completely overwhelmed by it—the coping cycle may be a much longer affair. We might feel devastated, depressed, grieving, angry or resentful. These feelings can overtake us if we continue to focus on them but stop there rather than moving through them using compassion as a healing process. Feelings must be processed in order to heal, i.e., no progress means no peace.
Finally, let's look at ways of soothing oneself, whether that be physical, intellectual, spiritual or emotional. Soothing, I believe, is the trickiest of the three areas. This is because if we stay in a longer coping cycle, or if the trauma is chronic and ongoing, we may feel unable to cope. We may start assigning strong new meanings to our experiences and create inflexible beliefs. These beliefs tell us we alone cannot change our state of discomfort against the trauma, and so we must reach outside of ourselves for help. We might reach for a friendly ear, a self-help book, a therapist, or for food, alcohol or drugs to help change our state. Depending on what we believe about what we need to heal, a small amount of any from the list above could give us temporary relief—like a moment in time to lick our wounds on our way to healthy acceptance and taking responsibility in our own healing process. We might have a drink, or a conversation and then step into a mature sense of willingness to "take it from there." Here, we accept and appreciate the uplift we get from engaging a friend, or maybe even a moment of indulging because it helps us remember we deserve kindness and good treatment. However, taken to an unhealthy level, this can be a slippery slope, i.e., putting our trust to feel better in something outside of ourselves. Repeating this action, we create an eventual dependence, while progressively trusting less and less in our own power to overcome. This creates a vacuum of self-doubt and plummeting self-esteem.
This is when soothing becomes wounding. But no judgement here. Let's be honest, who doesn't want to feel better? Yet, when we lose track of our most Self-honoring choice, i.e., processing our experiences with compassionate listening in order to move beyond them, we cannot fully heal and start living again. We become stuck and stop growing through the pain. It may become blurry to us just how often we are reaching for the friend or "friendly" item in an effort to change our state. Here, we are wounding ourselves with this new belief: that we alone are powerless to change how we feel, or that we may never heal. We cultivate a mindset of helplessness or victimhood. It's like being locked in a room with a bad memory, without knowing the key is in your own pocket. This could last a month, a year or a lifetime. We can become so disembodied, we may even contemplate giving up on life. Like it doesn't matter and we don't matter; feeling we have no inner power to recover. When we put the responsibility for our healing in another place rather then within our own selves, we let go our power. And with it, the innate ability to delegate our emotions, intuition and discernment as tools our mind and heart can use together that would help us cultivate the wisdom we really need to hear and follow with clear, healing actions.
In most cases, compassionate listening to the wounded part(s) of you will bring great relief. I say "the wounded part(s) of you" rather than "you" as a whole person because you are a new creation each and every day by the renewing of your mind. Healing is your nature, so there truly is no need to identify with what is in the past because you are constantly changing. Nor is there a special reward for incessantly continuing to tell yourself or others the "crappy" story. Creating that habit is its own fresh hell. Which is why is it so important to use your discernment when you feel stressed or anxious and reach for something outside yourself. Take the time to ask, "Am I truly soothing myself or am I wounding myself?" Hint: true soothing is not followed by feelings of guilt, anger or shame. Rather, it cultivates feelings of strength, calm and enlivens a new, gentler perspective of growing hope and optimism. This can only be found within. You will never find it at the bottom of a glass, ice cream container, etc. You get the idea. Therefore, we can conclude that by using the right knowledge and doing the right work, you will get the right reward. Freedom. The one we all desire and deserve.
Always for YOU,
Karen